Gained weight? No sex? Cut your hair? It’s all Trump’s fault

Posted by on Dec 07, 2016 at 11:01 am
trump13

The disastrous effects of the Trump Era are all too real. Americans are reeling in all sorts of insidious if subtle ways. Exhibit A comes to us from Daniel’s Salon in DC’s posh Dupont Circle.

“When you see that much blonde hair on the floor, you know something is going on,” says colorist Nicole Butler.

Those straw-colored locks lay there like the shattered hearts of America’s children after the election caused a tsunami of women demanding drastic changes to their hair color, according to a breathless report in New York magazine.

Longtime brunette Julianna Evans recalled storming to the drugstore where, “Literally without thinking, I grabbed the Natural Black box by Garnier. I was like, ‘F— it!’ The election deadened my soul. I think I wanted to do something defiant to feel stronger.”

Hairdressers report an increase in women going to extremes — either black or platinum, anything but brown. (Ugh — Melania’s color!)

Experiencing weight gain? Call it November 8 gain! “Post-Election Blues Are Causing Some People to Gain the ‘Trump 10,’ Say Weight Loss Doctors,” according to a report in People. Ten pounds in less than a month? It’s vital to eat quickly so as to store up fat against the coming wave of food shortages.

Trump has seemingly gained control over every mouth in America, such as those of innocent Minnesota motorists. Thirty-three-year old Elizabeth Lundberg rear-ended another vehicle so hard on Nov. 9 that it smashed into a car ahead of it. When questioned by Lino Lakes, Minn., police, who found an empty bottle of vodka in her purse, Lundberg was unable to spell her name but told cops, “I am upset over the outcome of the election and you should let me go home,” according to the department’s Facebook page. She allegedly blew a 0.33 on a breath test, four times the legal limit. Surely Trump should at least pay her legal costs.

Full story.

One Response to “Gained weight? No sex? Cut your hair? It’s all Trump’s fault”