This is CNN: ‘Kenyan Lawyer Offers Cows, Goats, Sheep to Marry Malia Obama’

Posted by on May 28, 2015 at 7:23 am

Wait, this is news? Is CNN really this hard up? Sheesh, just imagine if Fox ran with this lunacy.

Felix Kiprono, a lawyer in Nairobi, Kenya, has his eye on someone special: President Obama’s daughter Malia.

His offer to win her hand? Fifty cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats.

“People might say I am after the family’s money, which is not the case. My love is real,” he told the Nairobian newspaper.

Moreover, he adds, he’s been faithful to his beloved since he first became aware of her.

“I got interested in her in 2008,” he said. “As a matter of fact, I haven’t dated anyone since and promise to be faithful to her. I have shared this with my family and they are willing to help me raise the bride price.”

What was she, like 9 years old in 2008? Yikes.

There are some issues, of course. For one, Malia Obama is 16. For another, she’ll have to develop a taste for village life.

“Ours will be a simple life. I will teach Malia how to milk a cow, cook ugali (a porridge) and prepare mursik (a sour milk) like any other Kalenjin woman,” he said.

Seriously creepy shit.

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5 Responses to “This is CNN: ‘Kenyan Lawyer Offers Cows, Goats, Sheep to Marry Malia Obama’”

  1. Joe Mama on 28/28/15 at 9:07 am

    What was she, like 9 years old in 2008? Yikes.

    Must be Muslim.

    Hey, if it’s good enough for Mo …

  2. Pervy Grin on 28/28/15 at 9:23 am

    That’s a lot of livestock for a girl as fugly as her mother. Barry ought to take that deal.

  3. sound awake on 28/28/15 at 10:27 am

    the lede for this story could have been “a lawyer from kenya fights off the affections for his daughter from another lawyer from kenya”

  4. Beppo1963 on 28/28/15 at 11:11 am

    According to the Farm and Ranch Guide:
    The average price for a weaned calf is $948.
    948 * 50 = 47,400
    The average price for a weaned lamb is $252.
    252 * 70 = 17,640
    The average price for weaned goat kid is $225.
    225 * 30 = 6,750

    That’s over 71 grand being offered for one annoying teenage daughter and you won’t even have to pay for her worthless liberal arts degree. I say, take the deal.

  5. DMO on 28/28/15 at 7:50 pm

    And thus, the Book of Saint Malia, the followup in the History of the Holy god-King 0Bama, begins.