That Magic Touch: Turkeys Pardoned By Obama Die Anyway

Posted by on Nov 22, 2013 at 7:52 pm

They found out that if they liked their heads they really couldn’t keep them. Well, not really, but they’re dead anyway.

They may have avoided the Thanksgiving dinner table, but it turns out the turkeys pardoned by President Obama haven’t been so lucky after all.

Last year, the president ceremoniously spared Cobbler and his alternate Gobbler, two 40-pound birds from Rockingham Country, Va., sending them off to live a charmed life on a sprawling historic estate.

“From here these two lucky birds will be swept up in a whirlwind of fame and fortune that will ultimately lead them to Mount Vernon, where they will spend their twilight years in the storied home of George Washington,” Obama said at last year’s ceremony.

But their freedom was short lived.

Cobbler, who, according to the White House, loved cranberries and the musical stylings of Carly Simon, was reportedly euthanized in August. And Gobbler, described as “a patient but proud bird,” passed suddenly in February.

Jesus, a death panel for turkeys. Is this what it’s come to?

In fact, all eight of the birds pardoned by Obama have reportedly moved on to greener pastures.

Word has it turkeys across America recoil in horror at the mere mention of Obama’s name, much like the human populace.

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2 Responses to “That Magic Touch: Turkeys Pardoned By Obama Die Anyway”

  1. proof on 23/23/13 at 4:36 pm

    Get with the program! They’re now “Random Alternative to Life” Panels. (A little re-branding, don’tcha know?)