Breaking: DHS Issues Urgent Thanksgiving Warning

Posted by on Nov 23, 2011 at 7:32 am

Because you’re all too stupid to deep-fry a turkey safely, the nattering ninnies at the Department of Homeland Security have issued a bulletin designed to keep Americans safe this Thanksgiving.

The Department of Homeland Security is on its guard this holiday weekend. If you see someone deep-frying a turkey on a wooden deck, say something.

“Use turkey fryers outdoors at a safe distance [from] buildings,” the DHS tweeted. “Never use turkey fryers in a garage or on a wooden deck.”

Really, they have to tell us this? Of course these devices come with instructions, and if you’re too stupid to not read them, even a warning from Janet Napolitano isn’t going to sink in. They even used some of our tax dollars to make a handy instructional video.


Now if that’s not enough, a teary testimonial from and 85-year-old on the inherent dangers of terror turkeys is included.

If you’re not convinced of the potential danger, listen to the story of 86-year-old Serafino Alfe, who accidentally deep- fried his leg. He was trying to deep-fry 25 turkeys on Saturday when he spilled 30 quarts of hot oil on his leg, causing third-degree burns, according to the Chicago Sun Times.

6 Responses to “Breaking: DHS Issues Urgent Thanksgiving Warning”

  1. LAZRTX on 23/23/11 at 9:37 am

    This warning In response to all the illegal turkey fryers being found along the US mexican border causing brush fires.

  2. HeftyJo on 23/23/11 at 3:55 pm

    And don’t try oil-boarding a suspected Al Qaeda terrorist with a turkey fryer. Their beard comes out smelling terrible.

  3. Rachelle on 23/23/11 at 7:43 pm

    If you see a suspicious turkey, call someone.

    How many people are in Congress and the WH now?